I really don't know anymore.

Too many expectations..
that only set you up for failure
but yet i still feel obligated to achieve
and therefore find myself at even more of a loss

i miss you already.
im so confused.
why couldn't someone just tell me where to go what to do who to be.
instead im stuck. here. confused. and failing.
still trying to meet the expectations and making people think i have it all figured out. but i don't. and i frustrate myself.
what am i doing wrong?

YOU'RE SO BEYOND ME

As I sit here and think

About all that you've done

About how you gave me your one and only son

And I'm trying to fathom

All that you are, but so far Lord, you're so beyond me

I fall down in reverence

And I fall down in fear

I'm asking you Lord

won't you please draw near

I think the first few words of this song really capture the feelings in me right now. For some today may be just another day, just another friday. Maybe even just another good Friday, but i think that its important that this day not be overlooked or underappreciated. So many times as Christians, we know what this day represents and what it means, but we don't take the time to let what Christ did on the cross truly sink in. We don't take into account the reality of the pain and suffering He endured, and we go through our days without feeling anything. Maybe it's just because i'm such an emotional person that this is so real for me but, sometimes when I'm singing songs in church, and really thinking about the words and the meaning they have for me, I have to stop myself because i'm holding back tears. And when I watch movies like the passion of the Christ i'm so deeply convicted and filled with remorse that I did that to him. That when those soldiers are mocking Him, whipping Him, ripping out his flesh until its possible to see his bones, those soldiers are me. I put that crown of thorns upon His head, and I nailed Him to that cross. And yet, amidst of it, when he was up on that cross, struggling for every breath that he took, I was on his mind. I can't even fathom the love that would take. And that he willingly endured that pain because he loves me more than i'll ever know.

I stand in awe.

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,

Consider all the worlds They Hands have made;

I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,

Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great thou art.

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,

And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.

When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur

And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to thee,

How great Thou art, How great thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to thee,

How great thou art, How great thou art.

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;

Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;

That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,

He bled and died to take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour, God to Thee,

How great thou art, How great thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour, God to Thee,

How great thou art, How great thou art.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,

And take my home, what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration

And then proclaim: "My God, How great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee

How great thou art, How great thou art!

I'm at a loss for words at this point.
God is so unreal. He continues to blow my mind every single day.
God Has blessed me so far beyond my comprehension. He has given me grace when I wasn't the least bit deserving. And yet day by day I continue to complain about this amazing life I have been given when really, I don't even deserve life at all. And then just when I think that He's blessed me so much, he pours out His love even more. How can I ever give back to Him even a miniscule particle of what He's given me.

So I guess to make a long story short, this year has been one of, if not the hardest years of my life. And it's hard to explain to friends that are non beleivers because when I tell them what's going on, they really have no clue what I'm talking about. But to put it into perspective it was almost as if I had experienced the loss of a few of my closest friends. And in a way I did. I lost the most important part of them therefore sacrificing the tight knit relationship that we once had. And like I said it's hard to explain if you're not a Christian, or even if you've never been through it yourself. But i guess for me, I'm the kind of person that gives my all for the people I love. I would do almost anything for them. And not only did i feel as if i had lost some of those that meant most to me, it felt like i was the only one giving in all of the friendships that I had left. Maybe it's different for other people, but for me, a friend is someone who truly desires to make you happy. And someone who wants to know about your life. Who genuinely cares about you. Someone who digs so deep into you that sometimes they know you better than you know your own self. Someone who keeps questioning you and pushing you even when you say no because they KNOW you're only saying that and you want them to push until they find an answer. I guess i'm just the kind of person that, I'm not going to just sit down and tell you all about my life. If you want to know the depth of my soul then you need to ask me about it. I keep alot of things hidden because i'm used to being the one that helps other people. I guess maybe i just take friendships (at least real ones, that matter) more seriously then most people?

But anyways. Over this past year, a couple of my friends started to walk away from Christ. And I won't get into details about how it affected me but lets just say that its probably one of the hardest experiences that i've had in my life thus far, and its not something that you can just fix. Not to say that I haven't learned a tremendous amount of things through this experience, because I have. Alot. But it definitely hasn't been easy. So one thing that i learned pretty quickly is that, none of this is in my control. And the only one that I can fully trust and rely on is God. And so I have been. And frankly, He's the only one thats kept me hanging on. So I continued to pray, every night for these friends that somehow some way God would work a miracle in these girls lives. That he would change them, for real this time. And this weekend He changed one of the ones that means the most to me. And if you know me you know that i'm holding back tears just thinking about it again. And i'm so stoked for what God will do with her life. I just hope that she's for real this time and that she doesn't stop for anyone and that she lives out her life to the fullest and lives every moment of it to Glorify God. And honestly, like i said before, i'm at a loss for words. God is so ridiculous. I don't know how he does it. And i don't know how to thank Him. Because nothing i can say or do will ever suffice. But i know that this day has changed my life. Because this girl has changed my life. And i know that she will continue to change my life and im so thankful to God for her.

And just when I though I'd had enough tears and emotions for one night, I meet my other friend in the hall and she;s bawling and tells me that she's going to break up with her boyfriend. Why am I telling you this? Because i'm so proud of this girl. Even though she's loves this kid so much, and she loves his family, and she truly believes in Him, she went and she broke up with Him. And she did it for God. So that both His and Her relationships could grow closer with God. Seriously, when did all my friends become so amazing? Like I said, I'm blessed beyond words. God's grace is unfathomable.

An Unfathomable God.

O Lord, you have examined my heart

and you know everything about me.

You know when i sit down or stand up.

You know my every thought from far away.

You chart the path ahead of me

and tell me where to stop and rest.

Every moment you know where i am.

You know what i am going to say even before i say it, Lord.

You both procede and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know!

I can never escape from your spirit!

I can never get away from your presence!

If i go up to the heaven, you are there;

If i go down to the place of the dead, you are there.

If i ride the wings or the morning,

If i dwell by the farthest oceans,

even there your hand will guide me,

and your strength will support me.

I could ask the darkness to hid me

and the light around me to become night

but even in darkness i cannot hid from you.

To you the nigh shines as bright as day.

Darkness and light are both alike to you.

You made all the delicate inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mothers womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous and how well i know it.

You watched me as i was being formed in utter seclusion,

as i was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before i was born.

Everyday of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment laid out before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!

They are innumerable!

I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when i wake up in the morning, you are still with me!

O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!

Get out of my life you murderers!

They blaspheme you;

your enemies take your name in vain.

O Lord, shouldn't i hate those who hate you?

Shouldn't I despise those who resist you?

Yes, I hate them with complete hatred.

for your enemies are my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you,

and lead me alont the path of everlasting life.

PSALM 139

I'm really just in awe of the God that i worship.
The more I think about Him. The more i can't beleive how unreal he is.
He's uncomprehendable, but i think thats what draws me to him most.
He's such a mystery that no matter how long spent trying to discover, will never be revealed. He's all knowing. How is that even possible? He knows what i'm going to say even before i say it. How unreal is that. He planned out everyday EVERYDAY of my life before i was even CREATED. When you stop to think about that, i mean really truly let it sink in, its completely mind blowing. I mean, even when i start to think about the human body, i'm shocked that any person could ever beleive that it wasn't designed by a creator. There's no way that something THAT complex could happen "by chance." and i guess thats what bothers me about the world. Have you ever studied the body. Because i'm currently in biology twelve which is all about the human body and its actually incredible how it all works. Even a tiny cell has an intricate make-up that no human mind could ever have designed. And yet, even though people talk about how uniquely perfect the human body is, they don't stop to think about who created it. They don't even believe that it was created, just that we evolved from apes. Cuz that makes so much more sense. And i mean, they don't even have a reason behind their disbeleif. There reasons are "just because." Sometimes i don't even think people have reason to not beleive in God. They just don't want to believe in him because they know that it involves giving up their whole life to serve and glorify him, and that scares them. It would be different if they told me they didn't believe in God and then had a whole bunch of reasons to back it up. Even though i may still disagree with them, at least they took the time to think about it, and look into it and come up with a decent argument instead of just saying "God's not real." And it goes both ways, People shouldn't say they're a christian unless they know what they're talking about. And beleive me, i was one of those people who thought i knew who God was, but when it really came down to it, i knew nothing at all... and i've searched him out, and continue to search Him out everyday so that when someone asks me a question, i don't say "because the Bible says so."

Not only is God all knowing, but God has power that is unattainable by an earthly being. Just yesterday i was watching the prince of egypt and it reminded me of the incredible power that God has. Even in cartoon form i was awestruck by the amazing power that God possesses. He gave moses a staff and told him to place it in the water, and as he places it in the water the sea splits in two, water rising up on either side of the staff just spraying straight up, and the land beneath it is dry. Is that not incredible? Not only that but he hardened pharaoh's heart, over and over again so that His power could be shown, and so that He would be Glorified. He could've just made it so that Pharaoh let the Hebrews go the first time Moses asked, but no, he made sure that Pharaoh knew what kind of God this was, that nothing and no one could stop Him.

And even though He's so incredibly powerful and all knowing, and we could never be worthy to be in his presence, or even be worthy enough to worship someone as Holy as Him, he has unending grace and loves us unconditionally. How does that even work. A God. All knowing, all powerful, holy, righteous, PERFECT.. loves sinful, selfish, completely undeserving us. And yet time and time again we turn our backs on Him. We disrespect Him. And we give ourselves the Glory. I can't see how he does it. But i guess thats just how much he loves us. So when i think about all he's done for me. It should be obvious that I would give up my life for Him and live in obedience to Him. And yet, even though he willingly sent His son to die for MY sins, its such a struggle for me to live day to day for him. And thats why He's God, and i'm human.

I could honestly go on forever about how incredible this God is that i serve. I have been so blessed to be able to worship such an unfathomable God. And as hard as it may be, as unmotivating, as much of a struggle it may be to live fully for Him everyday for the rest of my life. I have devoted my life to this God. And i know that no one, and nothing will ever take me away from Him.

Lent.

So my brother just came into my room and was like. I'm not going on facebook until after Easter. Do it with me. And i guess you kind of have to understand both of us to understand what's going through my head. So my brother is like the perfect child. He's super smart, good looking, an amazing christian. Basically impossible to compare to. And then theres me. Not that i'm a horrible person or anything, but i'm definitely not my brother. And i like to go on facebook. I like to talk to my friends, it's basically what i do when i'm bored. And i mean, he goes on facebook its for a bit and then he's off doing other things. So when he told me to do this with him. My thoughts were, either i do this with him and its extremely hard for me but i show him that i can do it. Or i give him the answer he's looking for and say no because its the easy way out. So i said yes. And it's really gonna suck but i'm doing it for Jesus. Not only will this make me spend less time on my computer, it will allow me to have more time for Spending time with Jesus. Which i haven't done alot of lately. And, although this may sound like a stupid thing to write about or be worried about, or it may seem like this is easy to do, it just reminds me off all the other parts of my life i should be working on.

i feel like i've been at a point of procrastination in my life and its time to get things sorted out. Its like i know what i need to do, but im so unmotivated and comfortable where i am right now that i can just do it later. But i realize that thats not okay. God wants all of me. Not half of me, not when i want to give him me, but all of me always. And i guess thats the hardest part about being a christian for me. Its not the temptation to drink or do drugs or be someone i'm not. Its giving God my all. I'm good at giving him some of me when i want to. But as far as living out every moment to honor God, i suck at it. So, i guess this is to a new beginning.

i wanna be a child again

i guess lately, in the midst of my thoughts about life, and just people in general i've just been thinking about how great it would be to be a child again. Sometimes i when i'm babysitting, or even when i just see a child on the street i wonder whats going through their heads. i mean, not even the fact that their life is easier for them because they don't have to worry about the busyness of life, but just the bravery that they have. they're completely fearless and they don't even know it. they see another kid for five seconds and immediately they go up and talk to them, and start sharing their sandwich or give them their toys to play with, and its not even awkward. And ten seconds later their friends. When was the last time you went up to someone and just befriended them. or even just smiled at them as they walked by. Nowadays if you smile at someone they'll look at you like you're some kind of social weirdo. They don't gosssip, or hold grudges. They don't judge people. They're not racist. Color of skin means nothing to them. And thats how it should be. why can't we be like that. is it because we've been taught by older generations? Because, we have no reason to be racist other than what people have told us. and they're always so happy. They find joy in things that you never thought possible. Why can't we be like that? I guess sometimes i just wish that people would pay attention to the things that matter in life. Like kids do. They don't need drugs or alcohol to have fun. they just need a friend and a sand box.

03.01.10

Yes, today is March 1st two-thousand and ten. Now, you might think that today is just another day. That its just the beginning of another month in another year, but i beg to differ. Today a good friend of mine was born, eighteen years ago. now i haven't really known her for very long. Almost a year and a half now i'd say. But i will say that i've enjoyed every moment spent with her in this past year and a half. Let me tell you a little bit about her and why i'm so fond of her little filipino sELF.

Well as i mentioned in the previous line, she's filipino. So cute. shes got short little hair that sprouts into a cute little pony tail when she puts it up. Shes tiny. and her cheeks are the softest in the world. you should really just feel them if you have the chance. she's so incredibly beautiful but if you told her she wouldn't beleive you. She's an artist. She drew me this cute little picture and i put it up in my room so i can just look at it and think of her. Shes a typical teenaged girl, still trying to figure life out. She's faced with the challenge of her friends/beliefs vs. her parents and im so proud of her for being so obedient even when its so hard sometimes. Even though i think she doesn't really appreciate life right now, I know that God has such a big plan for her life and I honestly can't WAIT to see what that is. Mara is such an amazing girl, with such a big heart and i hope that she never takes is for granted. She has so much to offer but yet is limiting herself to what others think and say about her that has nothing at all to do with her. What can i say, God has blessed me, he has placed this amazing girl into my life when i'm so undeserving. She brings such joy into my life. Everytime i see her she has a smile on her face or she's laughing histerically. I love to make her laugh, its one of my favortie pastimes. And the memories i have with her always make me smile when i'm having a bad day. Everything from staying up for two hours doing mathhomework over skype... with pictures that make sense to NO ONE but us. and barely even us. To rapping out Lecrae and playing boggle at her house because its the best game ever, and watching movies and laughing because life's a hunt. And all thats not even all. All of that in just under a year and a half? I can't wait to see what these next years have in store. Mara. You are an incredible little filipino taco icepik and i love you SO much! I'm sorry that your birthday wasn't everything you wanted it to be but i just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!